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LAUREN MCCAY: Anybody know what kind of car this is? Anyone? I'm confused. I'm just messing with you! But this new electric Mercedes Maybach EQS 680 SUV has more logos than a Louis Vuitton store. Like, the whole store. I'm serious.
Look at this. There are Maybach brand call-outs all over the place, from the ends of the front bumper to the running boards to the welcome lights. Are there this many logos on a Rolls Cullinan, or a Bentley Bentayga? It's almost like they think the ultra rich are a little insecure.
Anyway, this is an even more luxed up version of the Benz flagship EQS SUV. Now, they're gilding the electric lily here. The outside, it's all right. It looks a little like a melted minivan, even in two-tone. But you can jack up the air suspension around an inch and a half to make it look more SUV-ish. 21 inch wheels are standard, but 22s will be offered.
Now, on the plus side, Mercedes says this all-wheel drive Maybach got 649 horsepower and 700 pound feet of torque from two motors. That's enough electric mojo to hit 60 in 4.1 seconds. That's more power and acceleration than the regular Mercedes EQS 580 that this thing is based on.
But forget about performance numbers for just a sec. This Maybach is all about the experience. Just look at this cabin! Think how quiet it must be running on electricity. You hear that? I hear nothing. Opulence.
SPEAKER 1: I has it.
[SMOOCH]
[LAUGHS]
We're talking wall to wall wood, metal, and leather, the good stuff. Check out Benz's huge Hyperscreen. It's got my Maybach-specific features and animation, including gauge needles designed to look like silk scarves fluttering in the breeze. That's interesting. And there's Burmester 4D audio with Dolby Atmos surround sound and user-selectable driving sounds.
[TONE]
There's even a relaxation animation. Now that's some Scrooge McDuck diving in some money vault stuff right there. Check out the standard 11.6 screens, and that tablet that you can take to the next Waystar board meeting. Nice. That is nice.
SPEAKER 2: I mean, that is just nice.
LAUREN MCCAY: Now this one is fitted with optional fold-out tables, a refrigerator, and silver-plated champagne flutes. Can I have one of these? No, I cannot. There are even motion-sensing cameras in the back that turn your distance of waves into actions. Whether it's denying an incoming call from your attorney, or power closing the door on your assistant. You know the one. The one who got your flat white wrong.
SPEAKER 3: Oops.
LAUREN MCCAY: Again. Fix it.
SPEAKER 3: [SCREAMS]
LAUREN MCCAY: It even smells expensive in here. A Maybach EQS-specific fragrance is pumped into this cabin's rare air. It's called number 12 Mood Ebony.
SPEAKER 4: (WHISPERS) Number 12.
[SNIFFS]
LAUREN MCCAY: I'm getting notes of spice, sandalwood, and ungrateful children. Now, if you're the type of mogul wealthy enough to afford a Maybach, you're used to suffering the slings and arrows of the merely rich. But if you need some talking points about how much more eco-conscious your new EV is than your neighbor's ride, you can tell them that the front motor disconnects for improved efficiency when not needed.
Or you can casually mention that the ethically-sourced chrome-free leather has been tanned with coffee shells. Plus, no cargo ship bunker fuel was burned importing this behemoth from Europe. This was actually built in some place called wait, what? Ala, Alabama? Is that for real?
SPEAKER 4: Yeah.
LAUREN MCCAY: Who knew? In Alabama. One thing the EQS 680 doesn't have much of, cargo space. It's got about the same room back there as the nanny's C-Class. Because, hey, transporting bags is what staff is for, am I right?
Right now, all Benz is saying about range, is that it's going to be around 600 kilometers on Europe's more lenient WLTP test cycle. Now that suggests that it'll be around 325 to 350 miles before, you know, you have to go send someone to charge it.
No word yet on pricing, but count on this thing being a lot more than the non-Maybach EQS 580 Pinnacle, which starts at $133 Gs. Then again, if you can afford one, you've probably already had your people reach out to Benz's people. It's good to be rich. You know what I mean?
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