My NFL Fantasy Lineup as Cars, Week 1: Chokes Aren't Just for Engines

• Joe Burrow made like a Fisker Ocean and disappointed me despite a high price tag.
• Tyreek Hill blew by the Jaguars' defense, a bright spot amid a brutal loss.
• My lineup for Week 1 fell apart in ways worthy of an NHTSA recall.

The NFL’s 2024 season officially kicked off this week, and so did my fantasy league: the Broncos B Team. It’s a story unfolding across America this week, but we’re going to put a little twist on it. After Week 1, my fantasy lineup is ripe for the allegorical picking, and because this is a car website, we’re going to liken my lineup to cars. Here, we’ll go over each player’s performance, the lineup’s overall score (I lost, by the way), and my hopes and dreams for the following week.

Joe Burrow (Cincinnati QB): Fisker Ocean

Good ol’ Joe Burrow picked up the football this week, but that was all he did in his game against my least favorite NFL team: the New England Patriots. Joey threw for 164 yards and exactly no TDs in a fat 10-16 L. In summary, Burrow was supposed to deliver on big promises, projected for 19.22 points after a long hiatus, and didn’t, scoring just 8.1 this week. Much like our long-term Fisker Ocean, which was subject to much hype and many recalls, Burrow didn't end up being worth drafting so early. Let’s hope my league's $20 buy-in is saved by a better performance next week.

Jahmyr Gibbs (Detroit RB): Honda Civic Type R

NFL Sophomore Jahmyr Gibbs is very much like the very new Honda Civic Type R: He’s a serious performer that probably costs too much. The 315-hp Type R starts at $46,690 and Gibbs was my second overall pick, something I hope I won’t regret after he put up serious numbers for me last year. The Detroit RB was projected 16.6 points this week against the LA Rams, but overperformed, netting a total of 17.4 points, a touchdown, and 74 yards. We’re happy with this one and needed this W after Burrow’s massive choke.

Rachaad White (Tampa Bay RB): Hyundai Elantra N

Rachaad White did me proud this week in his game against the Commanders, despite the fact that Washington's football team isn't even an outside playoff contender. This matchup probably contributed to his 106 yards against Washington’s defense, though he didn’t bring in any TDs. Still, for 16.6 points of a projected 16.6, I’m happy with his reliable performance considering I picked him up for cheaper than Gibbs in the draft. He reminds me of the Hyundai Elantra N, considering it costs less than a Civic Type R and delivers performance we put well within shouting distance of the hot Honda.

Tyreek Hill (Miami WR): McLaren 720s

I shouldn’t have to tell anyone why Tyreek Hill reminded me of a McLaren 720s. Miami’s best blew past the Jacksonville Jaguars D this week, putting up big, flashy numbers. His 130 yards, seven receptions, and a nice TD at the end netted me a total of 26 points. Of course, a big performance could be likened to any number of high-end exotics, but Hill owns one, and despite a contentious run-in with the Miami Dade Police Department before the game, ended up performing as well as his McLaren.

Deebo Samuel Sr. (San Francisco WR): Ford Mustang GT

Mr. Deebo Samuel Sr. is a return to my fantasy lineup, and after this week he feels worth the third overall pick I gave up for him. Christian McCaffrey’s continued absence in the 49ers lineup also helped Deebo get some yards. Samuel hit 77 yards total this week, making five of his nine targets, and a TD for a total of 18.7 points. Deebo’s move to a primary target reminds me a lot of the fact that the Mustang is now the last of the V8 muscle cars after the Dodge Challenger gave up the ghost last year.

Dalton Kincaid (Buffalo TE): Mercedes-Benz EQS

Kincaid should have delivered. After all, the Bills traded away their top receiver (Diggs) and he ought to have filled that hole in the lineup. Instead, I netted a whopping 2.1 points, sealing my fate for Week 1 against the one guy who seemingly wins everything every year. Kincaid's performance this week reminds me of a Mercedes-Benz EQS because both looked great in theory but really didn’t live up to expectations.

DeVonta Smith (Philly WR): Ford Bronco

With 84 yards and seven of his eight targets completed, DeVonta Smith was another steadfast performer in my fantasy lineup, hitting 15.4 points total for the week as my flex player, and I'm pleased with my seventh-round pick. I overlooked Smith initially but eventually decided to give him a chance. When I first drove the Ford Bronco, I dismissed it despite its obvious off-road chops simply because I thought there were other, better options out there. After having spent real time with one, I’m glad I’ve reconsidered my position on both the SUV and the wide receiver.

Nick Bosa (San Francisco DE): Hyundai Kona

Our league has one defensive player, and due to the way things are scored, it’s rare to see them collect any real points. Nick Bosa, most importantly, did not lose this franchise any points, and for that, I’m grateful (though I’d have liked to see him hit Aaron Rodgers a few more times). He pulled in two tackles and helped in bringing down Rodgers behind the line once. Bosa’s performance recalls the Hyundai Kona, which isn’t a serious performer but gets the job (being an A-to-B appliance) done admirably.

Cleveland Browns (Defense): Infiniti Q50 

The Browns Defense was arguably the final nail in my coffin for Week 1. They blew it … big time. Against the Dallas Cowboys, the Browns D let in 33 points, losing my franchise a total of 6 points. With only 4 points to my name, I got burned by a Midwest football team twice in one week (surely not the last time this will happen). This reminds me of the Infiniti Q50 — it costs less than rivals, but you're still getting something average at best. 

Evan McPherson (Cincinnati K): Honda Civic

The kicker for the Cincinnati Bengals, Evan McPherson, nearly scored as many points as the team’s underwhelming QB this week. Against the Pats, McPherson was able to convert the extra point attempt and drill a 51-yard field goal in the fourth. He showed up for work, hit his mark, and did it all without costing me any fantasy capital. McPherson is analogous to a base Honda Civic Sport this week: a cheap option that’s getting lots of love from me simply because it did the job that was asked of it extremely well and with no fuss.

That’s it for Week 1. I’ve got a tough matchup next week, and ESPN’s fantasy projections are already showing another loss for The Broncos B Team, 128.8 to 135.8. With any luck, my three biggest disappointments this week (Burrow, Kincaid, and the Browns D) decide to get their heads down and deliver a few more points. I can’t handle another fantasy season that mirrors the actual Broncos' NFL season.