2014 Mazda 3: May the 4th Be With You
May 4, 2014
Yes, it's that time of year again. May the Fourth, the unofficial Star Wars Day, where geeks like me unite and Magrath rolls his eyes in disgust. This year, I'm only posting one, mostly because I can't think of other candidates in our long-term fleet.
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So there I was stranded on some dusty old rock that seemed as though it was the furthest point from the bright center of the universe, also known as California's 909 area code. The Tesla ran out of juice and I came upon a burnt out bazaar filled with an ill-tempered biker gang with jackets that read "The Tusken Raiders" and short tweakers wearing dark brown cloaks.
It was obvious that the tweakers were trying to unload hot merchandise just as desperately as I wanted to get back...home. They kept rambling on about binary languages and moisture evaporators when they finally showed me this: the Mazda3PO.
It's an odd-looking beast. I get the idea that whoever built it had serious emotional issues. He definitely had a dark side. Given that this was the only transport away from this hive of scum and villainy (the only other vehicle was a white Audi R2 that looked like a trash bin), I took it.
From the get-go, the car started getting on my nerves. The navigation system simply wouldn't shut up. It kept calling me sir, too. Annoying.
Mazda3PO: I'm fluent in over six million forms of communication.
Me: "Is silence one of them?"
Mazda3PO: Sir the odds of navigating through the Inland Empire is approximately 3,701 to 1. We're doomed.
Me: Don't ever tell me the odds.
The electronics must've been on the fritz. I'm guessing they were made by Lucas. By the time we hit the city, I wished I had taken the R2 or at least had a trusty blaster at my side. Once back in L.A., I had its memory wiped.
Mark Takahashi, Automotive Editor @ 0.00000000031673905826369 parsecs